Gym, Tan, Leaks

Clandestine government files get leaked.

Unreleased music records get leaked.

Private sex tapes get leaked. (More often than not by the exposed party itself.)

Why aren’t outtakes of Jersey Shore leaked?!

It’s season three. We know this shit is fake, or at least some dimension of it is. Where are the outtakes? I just need one shred of proof to settle my worried mind–I need to know the extent of its falsehood. You see, I’ve been a loyal fan since season 1 (and I have no problem admitting that, thank you very much), back when it used to be real. Then came the product placements, Shore Store merchandise, scheduled appearances at clubs, house arrest except for pre-planned outings, and don’t get me started on the camera in the smush room.

I just want to see for myself that when Snookie begins to make sense that she is either smarter than we’ve been led to believe or she’s great at reading cue cards. (“I’m not anyone’s last resort, I’m someone’s first priority“). Or when Snitchuation’s speech is filled with hyperbolic undertones that there is some muscle in his brain and not just his pecks. (“Angelina’s so big, dawg, she broke the bed, dawg.“) What I want is for the story department to take a breather and give us the real, raw Joisies. Stop the cutting and pasting–they’re going to make fools of themselves either way and that’s why we keep watching. because Season 1 was amazing and Season two was the ugly stepsister of runner-up seasons, but we love her nonetheless. Because Season 2 didn’t really end well and we’re looking for closure. Because we’re waiting for their Season 2 personalities to become sedated back to their original state. Just show me that they are still real, and there’s still a normal pulse. Snookie farting on-camera just won’t cut it any longer.

I believe this is a job much too large for even Wikileaks.

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